‘Soft Life’: Being a Pet in Switzerland

Nobody, abso­lutely nobody, would have ever thought that being an animal may be a preferable life option to being a human. Well, maybe aliens. But I doubt so much if those aliens attempted to live in Switz­er­land before making such life-chan­ging, form-alte­ring decisions. 

This country is wired in a weirdly diffe­rent way in ever­ything, and its pet-owning and manage­ment system is no excep­tion. It would make you recon­sider your life choices. Like, am I in the right living form? Is this the best I can do for myself? Is existing as a human being not over­hyped and over­rated? Should I not instead consult with the witch covens in Edo state, and get powers that can trans­form me into a bird so I can enjoy all these pet privi­leges in Switz­er­land? Or should I just volun­teer to be adopted from an animal shelter?

The right to mingle with peers

When I learned that the pet popu­la­tion in this country is 2.5 million, versus the people popu­la­tion (which is 8.7 million), I thought to myself: Oh, that is nice! But then I realize that Switz­er­land treats this addi­tional 18 percent of their popu­la­tion as an offshoot of the entire human popu­la­tion. This is the only expl­ana­tion that can suffice for the ‘crème-de-la-crème’ regu­la­tions and frame­works that surrounds owning a pet in Switzerland.

To start with, shebi you people know that pet owners pay ‘owner­ship’ tax abi? (I had to go all Nige­rian to fully express this one). Only cat owners are exempted. Tax for owning a pet? Does this mean that after paying an average tax rate of 18.5 percent for myself, I still pay addi­tional tax for owning a dog that I am feeding, clot­hing, and taking for a walk in the coldest of winters? And clea­ning its poop every day? Yups, that is EXACTLY what is meant.

After that, Swiss Animal Protec­tion laws specify that it is not ideal for me to have only one pet. Two or more is the recom­men­da­tion. This is because if I have only one pet, I MUST ensure that it has daily contact with people or daily visual contact with its kind.

Wow! Just like that, I have been discri­mi­nated against and screened out of pet owner­ship in this country. 

Do you know why? Because I am a couch potato! If I enter my apart­ment on a Friday evening and lock my front door, 9 out of 10 times, I am not reope­ning that door again until Monday morning. There is no Swiss law that fights for my rights to mingle with people. There is no law to ensure that I, the human being make visual contact with humans of my kind every day (I probably should not complain about this one!).

Need a pass­port? Become a dog!

Further­more, Switz­er­land is the ONLY country that requires that some pets – espe­ci­ally dogs – should hold a valid pass­port (haha­haha) and be regi­stered in a data­base. If the dog gets its pass­port based on the natio­na­lity of its owner, this means that on its first day of assuming a ‘pet posi­tion’, a dog can get a Swiss pass­port while non-dogs (basi­cally you and me) have to wait for 10 years to get this. A classic defi­ni­tion of “all animals are not equal”, lol! 

And the data­base regi­stra­tion is for what exactly? Is this so that if the dog poops in a public place and you, the owner, do not pick up the poop for proper disposal, the dog could be traced, and you as the owner could get arrested? 

Imagine getting arre­sted not for a crime you committed, but for a crime committed by your pet! Ha, God! My mother will have a heart attack! I can hear her voice already in my head saying to me: “You left your own country only to get arre­sted in a foreign land because of a dog? How will I explain your arrest to your father’s people? You are such a disgrace!”

Cushions and insurance

Then comes the personal liabi­lity insu­rance that is required to be carried for owner­ship of many pets. The minimum coverage is 1 million CHF. At this point, my question is: How much exactly is life insu­rance for human beings, please?

Animal experts say that in the first year of owning a pet, you could spend as much as 2’000 CHF on them. Premium life. What we refer to as ‘soft life’ in Nigeria. Premium enjoy­ment. Premium luxury. Premium ever­ything cushioned with a big fat insu­rance and a Swiss pass­port, where you can travel to 155 count­ries, visa-free. That is what is guaran­teed as a pet in this country.

If you have a chance in your next life, don’t think twice about it. Life as a human being is tough! Take it from someone who has been a human for so long. Choose wisely. Come and live this Swiss Life the Naija way… but as a pet.