It is not you — it is the Swiss in you!

The other day, I tried to ‚clean‘ my dish­wa­sher and somehow after that attempt at clea­ning, the dishes never got clean ever again in that machine. I informed the apart­ment mana­gers, and I got a new one as replacement.

I used a knife to scoop ice from the freezer compart­ment of my refri­ge­rator (don’t ask me what I was thin­king, because I know now that I wasn’t!). Long story short, I got a new repla­ce­ment of an entire refri­ge­rator. I know that Baba Kafila back home in Nigeria would have fixed that freezer and it would have continued to func­tion for another 23 years. 

Another time, I complained to the IT depart­ment at work that my mouse was ‚fidge­ting‘, and in less than 5 minutes, I was issued a new mouse. I was always both surprised and confused to get a spar­k­ling new appli­ance as replacement. 

Until one day, I saw an unusual-looking tram at my tram stop with people brin­ging various kinds of gadgets and appli­ances for disposal. It was at that specific moment that it hit me: Repair and Swiss are not birds of the same feather! This is why repair cafes are the excep­tion, not the norm. Wooowww! Puzzle solved. 

So, are you no longer inte­re­sted in repai­ring gadgets and appli­ances? Worry not, that is the Swiss in you getting comfor­table and accu­s­tomed to ‚perfec­tion‘!

The level to which you get used to life in Switz­er­land strikes you the moment you travel to other places in Europe. That is when you realize that there is a diffe­rence between ‘abroad’ and ‘over­seas’. When you find yourself in Munich for instance, where the grime, dirt and soot on the elevator walls of the lifts in the main train station are so stale, you instantly know that no one has bothered to clean them in 72 years (or approximately!). 

And the first thing you think about is the glossy, shiny escalator walls and railings in Zurich main station, daily polished, with all the high-tech adver­to­rials of adven­ture parks and Lindt choco­late. Or you go to Berlin, and the stench and smell of decade-long coagu­lated urine prevents you from breathing in the under­ground stations.

And you keep thin­king to yourself as you navi­gate through the streets of Kreuz­berg and Mitte: Germans must be so poor, they really should apply for deve­lo­p­ment loan from Switz­er­land to fix these under­ground rail stations. You know right away that it is not you thin­king all this, it is the Swiss in you.

Or you fly to London, and the commo­tion and move­ment, the constant flux of ‘quickly moving people’ makes you begin to wonder, are there actually this many people in the world? Where did they come from?

Or you find yourself in Paris, and all the rats running across the street corners makes you wonder, if you are in Ajegunle in Lagos main­land, and the visuals that come to your head is of most public toilets in Switz­er­land, clean and func­tional with no single rat in sight. If every time you are out of Switz­er­land, you just can no longer deal with the ‘second-class’ charac­te­ri­stics of the rest of the world, comrade, drink and make merry, for the Swiss in you is now fully activated.

While talking about my last column on Swiss public trans­por­ta­tion systems, a couple of Swiss friends mentioned, that I may have been lucky enough to only have encoun­tered ‘all the good expe­ri­ences’. You know what? That is one of the many typical and atypical beha­viors you acquire when you live in Switz­er­land. Criti­ci­zing a perfect system where perfec­tion is the norm and imper­fec­tion is the excep­tion. And no, it is not you, it is the ‘Swiss’ in you!

When you find yourself annoyed at the bus or tram because they are 0.9 seconds late. When you are constantly hissing and irri­tated at the tram driver for opening the closed door yet again for a passenger he can see running to him, because you feel those tiny seconds of kind­ness will affect your perfectly timed work sche­dule by 3 seconds. When you expect a ‘Mac’ ever­ything as a new employee in an orga­nization. Charlie, your Swiss­ness is Swissing!

Ha! I almost forgot this one, that is so dear to my Nige­rian heart. Have your prayer points changed drasti­cally? Are these still your daily prayer points: God, as I step out of my house today, protect me from acci­dents; don’t let my phone be snat­ched by area boys in traffic; protect me from kidnap­pers; if Boko Haram will strike today, please protect me and my family; let me come back home safely?

Or have your payer points migrated to: God, let there be vegan milk in the staff fridge at work today; let them not forget to put those long sani­tary pads in the female toilets today, because I really don’t like tampons? If these are your new daily hopes and aspi­ra­tions, welcome to level 136 of the Swiss in you.

I wonder ever­yday how much of my actions are me, and how much are of the Swiss in me. I may never know because I keep living this Swiss Life, the Naija way.